You are currently browsing the Prankies Blog blog archives for July, 2011.
Foreplay. It’s a tricky area, literally. Since time eternal man has struggled with getting it right. Woman have been left frustrated, men confused. How long can we all go on like this? What can we do to sort out this sticky mess?
Well, who knows. But Jim Jefferies steps up to tell it like it is, delicately describing the differences between what men consider foreplay and what women consider foreplay. While using the word cunt as often as possible.
Nature is a very curious thing, forget the birds & the bees, this summer it’s all about the ‘birds & the Tweets. Ornithologists say birds are most active early mornings and late afternoons… But can our species out-Tweet them? It’s the humans against the birds in our Bulmers orchard – who will win?
Join the experiment between the hours of 1pm and 2pm Tweet with the hashtag #Bulmers, or alternatively, go to www.facebook.com/bulmersuk and take part in a series of fun experiments they are running this summer.
So just what has this sweet looking old lady got hidden under her bed? What delights will the Cash in the Attic team find that can maybe bring her some joy?
Ah. Well, it looks like they’ve found something that can certainly bring her some joy, whether she’ll want to part with it is another matter.
Steve Hughes breaks it down for us all. Which means it’s OK for you to like cooking and heavy metal. It doesn’t mean you’re gay.
He also points out the irony of rugby players and the like calling guys who bake cakes gay when they spend their time showering with butch naked men. Oh the humanity!
In case you’ve been in a drugged up stupor, a lot went on this last weekend news wise. And one of the tragic events that took place was the death of Amy Winehouse.
And so this kind gentleman kindly penned this loving tribute to her. I’m sure it’ll make the harrowing incident all the more bearably for her family and friends. Or maybe not, aye.
OK, so Google’s attempt at social networking was launched a while back, but nobody thought to tell Dmitri — until now.
He’s always the last to know, but that’s not going to stop his amazed reaction. He’s its No. 1 fan, he fucking hates Facebook. And don’t even get him started on Twitter.
On Thursday July 21, 2011 space shuttle Atlantis landed in Cape Canaveral, Florida, ending NASA’s 30-year space shuttle program. And now, landing on Mars, colonising the moon, achieving cosmic enlightenment — all that is gone because of you.
Now because of that, the aliens are going to attack us and wipe us of the face of the cosmos. Well done everyone, you’ve ruined everything. Well done.
Less Darth Vadar, more Darth Gaydar as the mincing Carry On legend becomes the voice of the the leader of the dark side.
Obviously he doesn’t come across as quite so threatening, but it does mean he’ll be able to say things like “Oh, be-haaayyy-ve” and throw in innuendos about purple lightsabers at every opportunity.
We’ve seen the Murdochs and their adopted ginger hair-being sat in front of the Select Committee and now we finally know the truth! Well, we know Rupert Murdoch is pretty old and frail.
But at least it resulted in the closure of the News of the World, that’s one achievement. Remember The News of the World? It was a red top newspaper that used to hack dead girl’s mobiles.
Making it in the music biz is fraught with ups and downs, it’s the kind of career that you’ll need skin as thick as Cee-Lo’s waist band to survive. But if you do decide to head down this treacherous path, then hope that your rise to meteoric super stardom is swift and successful.
Like these rising stars Oh Land, Mads Langer and Loick Essien. They’re living the goddamn dream and maybe you can too, remix a Bob Dylan or Ting Tings track and win a bunch of stuff.
Forget about the News of the World scandal, these people are the real bad guys of the world: Serco Group. Such are their nefarious activities that they even have a handle on time, controlling the very fabric that moves the universe onwards.
They must be stopped, and the only way to fight some bad guys of their magnitude is to rally round and get together a ragtag band of action heroes from down the ages. Send in John McClane, Ellen Ripley, Arnie, Chuck Norris’s evil eyes and mid-1990s Steven Segal.
For those times when Metallica are too bummed out with psychoanalytical blues to perform and rock the house down, they could always call upon the hairy wizardry of Bill Bailey.
OK, so it might feature a few more horns than their fans are used to, but so what. Enter Sandman? Enter Balding man.
When this rotten old life is getting you down and everything around you is crumbling away in the face of forces seemingly beyond your control, what do you do?
Do you just struggle onwards and hope that it’ll just improve or do you supp on a cup of brown joy, grin and kick life in the balls.
Man vs. nature, it’s one of the oldest battles we’ve ever fought. Since our distant DNA crawled from the sea in harsh, primordial conditions, we’re forever rallying against that which gave birth to us.
So, why not include Bear Grylls & make an RPG of it? Instead of getting lost in the woods and wrestling grizzlies while upper cutting alligators & drinking your own piss, you can do it all from the comfort of your own basement.
