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The moral of this story is that if you’re in a remote Scottish village in a van full of armoury that you’re using to film a Liam Neeson movie then try and avoid running over villagers’ cats.
But if you must trample their pets to death under the wheels of your car, then drive off quickly to avoid any further deaths.
The Royal twat-fest will soon be upon us and they’ll be Union Jack bunting draping off people’s arse cracks as they sing and dance and make merry like the good loyal subjects they are.
But, unlike days of yore when the royal bride was a virgin, Kate’s had suitors in the past and they must surely be lamenting how they could’ve taken her hand instead of that posh horse-faced bald gimp.
Bloody women, sort yourself out! They go around, aching of stomach and with headaches moaning about how much pain they’re in. Pah! It’s pathetic, if only they knew the suffering that a man has to go through every time he gets a common cold. Now there’s pain.
They don’t even know they’re born, whereas men, they’re just bloody amazing, aren’t they? Valiant soldiers the lot of ‘em.
That’s the trouble with ninjas, they could be hiding in your room right now secretly watching you like the covert masters of stealth that they are. You may’ve had a ninja stalking you your entire life, but don’t try to take them down, it’ll only make them madder.
The best way to deal with them is to let them be–and always, always let them have your gold. Especially Lego ninjas.
Aww, look at this cute little girl at Disneyland getting to join the Jedi Academy. It must be every child’s dream to join the order of warrior monks who serve as peace keepers throughout the galaxy, the holders of the mysterious energy known as the Force.
Or, fuck that, maybe she wants to destroy those crusty robed douchebags, she knows the real fun is to be had on the Darkside. The devil has the best tunes after all.
The awesome is strong in this one.
Dwarf Vader likes nothing more than hanging out with his mate Lee the dwarf Storm Trooper. Shooting the breeze, going down the boozer, maybe sneaking out for a quick spliff.
But that’s the life of a former Jedi knight who’s turned to the darkside only to have his legs lightsabered off at the knees and now finds himself half the height he was.
If there’s one question that’s balancing in restless anticipation on the very tip of everyone’s tongues it’s: What next for reality TV? Well, you’ll be glad to know it involves killer dolphins, bimbos, drag queens, space, love, hate, weight loss, and a bunch of other crazy stuff that will blow your skull wide open. The only thing missing is celebrity zombies and Simon Cowell being sexually ravaged by horny cetaceans.
Spock’s always looking in that goddamn scanner, the man’s obsessed with it. But it’s because it’s how he accesses his Facebook profile, so he’s always checking for updates. He may be half Vulcan but his human side surfaces when it comes to finding out what his old class mates are up to.
And guess who turns up in this part, none other than Captain “Make it so!” Picard. Two starship captains? Let the cosmic battle of egos commence.
