In Hollywood’s tireless journey to systematically destroy everything you hold dear and sacred, they present to you the trailer for the Conan The Barbarian reboot. Shocking.
There’s no Arnie and it looks as polished and refined as a mummified turd covered in nail varnish. Why must they seek to destroy all that has meaning to us? Someone should make a mega-bucks, effects-laden movie about that.
“Gazman, it’s the Julianator!” Yes, the British festival season is nearly upon us and in this day and digital age, 21st century festival going means you can be all middle class and bring the kids with some artisan bread, pickled skunk, and sundried LSD.
No one loves that jolly nice experience more than Adam Buxton, who knows all about jumping in the 4×4, packing up the collapsible yurt and heading off to Sludge Fest. Cheers ears.
Daleks, more deadly than your mom & dad after you’ve thrown a party & trashed the house, the ultimate terror of the universe, but totally misunderstood!
Add to that they are crap at hitting on Doctor Who’s cute assistant, Rose Tyler. If you think about it they’re not a lot different than the average teenager. A total and complete pain in the ass!
So, the royal wedding happened. You may’ve missed it because you were sunning yourself on the shores of Lake Como, driving a speed boat around and supping beer in the Mediterranean heat, while eating snacks — but it happened.
So just in case that was you on Lake Como, and it probably was, then you can watch this abridged version and feel like you were a part of history so your life has meaning. Or, alternatively, just go watch some more cat videos or get back to those Obama memes you were looking at.
Just how much do those posh sods with plums stuck up their butts cost us mere plebians? How much is coming out of your hard-earned pay check so the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can go sit on a island in the Indian Ocean and get waited ion hand and foot. Like they do at home, every day.
You ready for the blood to start bubbling? Well, it’s not quite as simple as all that. The Queen may take our tax money to live in opulence, but she earns her crust too. Still thinking off with her head?
Deep in the rain forests of the Amazon it looks like the horror of Starship Troopers has finally come true, there is some kind of large smart bug spreading infection amongst the local population and it aint pretty!
Scientist Dr Javier Holavez has discovered an entirely new genus that has a very distinctive insect bite that changes the genetical behavior of it’s victim into something scary and now it looks like the infection has reached the human population and the virus is spreading FAST!!!
You hear that? Listen closely, the Geordie twang, heralding the end of society as we know it. Remember the Mayan prophecy about 2012, the end of the world? Well, look at this series about vacuous plebs in the north of England as the bell tolling the beginning of the end.
Right after the last episode we’ll hear a massive thud, as all the birds of the earth drop dead from the skies, then the seas will bubble with sulphur and the ground beneath your feet will crumble away.
Here’s a “What If…” to ponder in those quieter moments of your day: What if those Jersey Shore guidobags spoke their particular vein of English in the style of Oscar Wilde? In fact, don’t ponder it because this video does it for you.
If it proves anything it’s that if you speak in a posh voice while dressed in the finest fashion from the mid-19th century, it could just be stream of consciousness foul language or even an ass burp, it’ll still sound theatrical.
