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“Gazman, it’s the Julianator!” Yes, the British festival season is nearly upon us and in this day and digital age, 21st century festival going means you can be all middle class and bring the kids with some artisan bread, pickled skunk, and sundried LSD.
No one loves that jolly nice experience more than Adam Buxton, who knows all about jumping in the 4×4, packing up the collapsible yurt and heading off to Sludge Fest. Cheers ears.
Daleks, more deadly than your mom & dad after you’ve thrown a party & trashed the house, the ultimate terror of the universe, but totally misunderstood!
Add to that they are crap at hitting on Doctor Who’s cute assistant, Rose Tyler. If you think about it they’re not a lot different than the average teenager. A total and complete pain in the ass!
So, the royal wedding happened. You may’ve missed it because you were sunning yourself on the shores of Lake Como, driving a speed boat around and supping beer in the Mediterranean heat, while eating snacks — but it happened.
So just in case that was you on Lake Como, and it probably was, then you can watch this abridged version and feel like you were a part of history so your life has meaning. Or, alternatively, just go watch some more cat videos or get back to those Obama memes you were looking at.
Just how much do those posh sods with plums stuck up their butts cost us mere plebians? How much is coming out of your hard-earned pay check so the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can go sit on a island in the Indian Ocean and get waited ion hand and foot. Like they do at home, every day.
You ready for the blood to start bubbling? Well, it’s not quite as simple as all that. The Queen may take our tax money to live in opulence, but she earns her crust too. Still thinking off with her head?
The moral of this story is that if you’re in a remote Scottish village in a van full of armoury that you’re using to film a Liam Neeson movie then try and avoid running over villagers’ cats.
But if you must trample their pets to death under the wheels of your car, then drive off quickly to avoid any further deaths.
Stovies, in case you didn’t know you uncouth heathen scum, are a Scottish delicacy containing the rarefied ingredients of potato, onion, and left over meat. Then they’re stewed in beef dripping or lard or butter or the fat of a wandering Snorlax and then eaten. They taste better if you’re totally cunted on whiskey too.
And another thing you probably didn’t know, Dustin Hoffman fookin’ loves ‘em. He loves them so much he hopes to die and enter a paradise where there’s a never ending stovie for him to chow on for all eternity.
So Mr Fry goes off to Harvard University and is awarded the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Award from the Humanist Chaplaincy. But it being Stephen “Stud Muffin” Fry, a young woman can’t help but throw herself at him figuratively in song.
And her banjo serenade means offering her womb to him so she can have lots of little Frys running around, buying Apple products and generally being posh and clever. She’s totally hot for Steve and she’s not afraid of announcing it. In song. To a room full of strangers.
The short but eventful life of Bieber has been filled with all that is truly great about the human spirit. Adversity, being really small and a bunch of other stuff that justifies the movie, so the producers can cash that cow.
Just in time before his balls head south and he’s just another washed up crack head bi-winning and snorting porn stars up his ear. Because it’ll happen. It happens to them all.
