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There was a sound so scary, not even a hardass cyber-marine made from titanium who shat bricks of fear and ate death for breakfast could stand to hear its repulsive noise.
This is the film of that sound and how it came to be from the mouth of one mother, a mother who thought nothing of issuing it forth in front of her infant child. More terrifying than Alien, more gut-wrenching than Saving Private Ryan.
Yeah, those Kesha clones are a real drag, getting glitter in your beer and generally staggering about and treading on your foot and stuff with high heels. Her annoying pop guff has a lot to answer for.
They’re whiner and annoying and they won’t even put out, which would make the whole thing OK. Instead we all have to suffer, the best way to deal with it is to drink more beer. Glitter-free, hopefully.
If Clive Tyldesley lived inside your nipple, you can’t even begin to imagine the embarrassing possibilities when you’re trying to get all romantic with a hot babe. It’s a little known affliction that effects 0.001% of the population and the consequences are devastating.
Most sufferers are too embarrassed to even talk about it openly in public, so they suffer in silence. Well they would suffer in silence if it wasn’t for the constant drone of Clive Tyldesley’s voice coming from your nipple. And as for Andy Gray in your minge. Well…
What? You never seen two dogs dining in a busy restaurant before? Except, this restaurant sounds busy but doesn’t look it. Maybe the people dining are tiny people too small to see with the naked human eye.
But back to the dogs, they love dining out; the atmosphere, the crowds, the conversation. And they’re great company, but don’t leave the table to go to the toilet with an unfinished plate. By the time you get back there won’t be any food left. Dogs are big on greed.
OK, who’s eaten all the kitty cat treats? Time for some third degree to find out the guilty party. Interrogating dogs must be a new low for this guy. That is until one of them pulls a face that makes it look like an extra from an Aphex Twin video.
It looks disturbing to say the least. If it pulled that face near me I’d happily let it eat all the treats it ever want until it passed out from greed.
Beware, you are about to enter a world that exists within another world inside a cocoon of worlds known as the meta-parody. You think it’s a piss take against Jesus and all those God-botherers but then some dude comes on and starts singing about God-haters.
It’s all so confusing. Can’t we just hate everything and have done with it? Just a general sceptical hatred for all religions and belief-systems the world over?
Be mindful of those cheap flight bargains. You think you’re getting a deal for 50p, but just step back for a minute. 50p? That’s less than a pack of crisps. Something’s up, the small print! Read it.
And you’ll find out that they charge £300 for credit card bookings, £1000 for luggage, an arm for booking fees, a leg to book in early. And your soul for the privilege of booking seats together. Fecking feckers.
You must remember that episode of Bottom where they club the gas man to near death for trying to intrude upon their home and undertake such heinous crimes as trying to read their gas meter. HOW. VERY. DARE. HE.
It was one of the best episodes, subtly portraying the urban angst of living with Rick and Vyvyan from The Young Ones when they’re all grown up. But there was always one thing missing, why was there never a song made from splicing the episode together with some techno beats? Well now that feat has been achieved.
