Ok, so the new Star Wars films were no where near as good as the original ones. I know that, you know that, and George Lucas – if you gave him a few glasses of wine – would admit that as well. Despite them not being as legendary, there’s something all Star Wars films have in common. There are a lot of characters, and they can get fairly complicated what with all those planet names and politics.

This is a novel way to keep things informative, fun, and fresh. By integrating a choral Queen classic with the well-known franchise you have a decidedly high-pitched re-cap of the recent films. And what’s more, you can listen to this, and get straight to watching episodes 4-6 and enjoy some real quality films.

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There are some stories that just melt the heart. There’s something about this old guy, his trumpet, the amazing tale – even the sternest of people would wilt at such a story. Even Hollywood in their huge network of War films haven’t come up with an idea as resounding as this. It’s impermeable to anyone from Steven Spielberg to your emotionally stunted mate.

Then again, it could be a load of tripe of course. He probably doesn’t even remember fighting in the war, and that hat he’s wearing looks pretty suspect. How would a German know the word for trumpet? Hm? Well – whatever the truth, I’m prepared to believe it. Even if the sniper didn’t hear his slightly dodgy tunes because he was too busy getting shot, I’m up for going along with what this old man says. He’ll dine out on this memory til the day he dies, telling anyone who’ll listen. I bet his grandchildren wish it had never happened.

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It is true – Apple products are undoubtedly a triumph of marketing. Yeah they’re ace and sleek and lovely and easy to use…but we probably think we need the products more than we actually do. So, I present to you, the latest non-released, soon to be packaged and advertised product from Steve Jobs: the iFad.

Of course, you almost certainly did these types of things when you were 3 and sure, it all looks pretty facile and basic. But not when that lovely Apple logo gets its grip on you. Look directly into its smooth curves and, Hey Presto, a product has instant intrinsic value. Im pre-ordering mine now.

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It takes some balls (no pun intended) to do this. It takes even more balls to do this when you’re a set and a game down. I guess being a Romanian tennis fan is more thrilling than being a British tennis fan. No amount of ‘Come on Tim’ could ever make Henman win a match. He was British – forever condemned to quarters and semis. I think we prefer failure as a nation, that way we can grumble and moan more.

But had he done things like this, just maybe we would have more fond memories of good old Tim. He was a bit bland wasn’t he? I salute you, Hanescu. I like the philosophy that, whatever the score, sport should be an exciting thing. I bet Llodra doesn’t have the same enthusiasm.

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It’s a good job that KFC is more addictive than crack, otherwise this senile old Colonel might just have ruined their advertising campaign forever. He’s sure doing a good job of not reading whatever basic words were written on a piece of paper for him. Then again, there’s a good chance he’s getting high on his own supply and all that finger lickin chicken and vegetable fat has gone straight to his head.

He certainly sounds finger lickin’ly intoxicated. Cruspy? That’s not even a word. Sanders, did they not teach you English at fast food school? Lay off that popcorn chicken. Anyway – however poor this ad read through is, he’s always going to be immortalised on the side of KFC outlets. Lucky him.

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If only all major conflict could be reduced to jerky images and a tinny piano soundtrack. Maybe if the battle between the Taliban and Western armed forces was turned into a silent movie with still frames of dialogue saying ‘Where is Osama!’ and ‘But – what’s this? There AREN’T any nuclear weapons?’ everyone might have a good old chuckle and get on a plane, come home and be done with it.

Maybe it wouldn’t work, maybe it would. Anyway – this sure does. It turns an ace old classic – Star Wars – and makes something new and ace in a totally different way. Of course, I wouldn’t change George Lucas’ masterpiece for the world, but this editing ain’t half entertaining. Enjoy.

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I suppose in any other realm, a heavily armed muscular man with facepaint on, firing said weaponry would be fucking terrfying. Not here. Where do we start? He rolls like my Auntie, he dresses like a child with an unhealthy Action Man passion, and, I’m sorry, but where did that snake come from?

The only thing we do know is that he’s Born For Action. Born for Action. This would be all well and good, but the poor lad doesn’t seem to have any company. He’s probably the owner of the best defended disused quarry in the world. In his head, he thinks having made this video there’ll be a queue of hopeful women and army conscriptors waiting outside his house/barracks/shed. Somehow, I doubt it. But don’t tell him that.

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It’s not often you see the sight of another car flying over your head and landing directly in front of you. You’re not exactly going to see it in rush hour are you? Well I doubt even in this crazy hobby you get to see such a spectacle.

So savour it. I guess it’s the best way of overtaking – the direct route. Takes some skill… and even more balls. Maybe the Stig has quickly found something else to do with his time

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