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Spock’s always looking in that goddamn scanner, the man’s obsessed with it. But it’s because it’s how he accesses his Facebook profile, so he’s always checking for updates. He may be half Vulcan but his human side surfaces when it comes to finding out what his old class mates are up to.
And guess who turns up in this part, none other than Captain “Make it so!” Picard. Two starship captains? Let the cosmic battle of egos commence.
The armed forces, if you believed video games or those overblown recruitment commercials you’d think war was like some sort of gung-ho game full of space marines and clearly defined groups of good and evil.
As it stands, war is full of difficult decision making under the most intense stress where your enemy is hard to define and the horror of it all is nothing like a macho adrenaline rush. And if you’re in the Scandinavian countries you have to train in snow. Where’s the fun in that?
We all love Edgar Wright, right? He’s the guy who directed Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. And when he was younger at art college, while most of us were smoking crack in the woods behind the CDT hut, he was editing together movie montages using his teeth and some sticky tape.
Or something like that. Here’s one of his montages about guns. Back before iMovies editing took between 10-12 years for a second’s footage. Which is why no movies were released before 2005. True story.
If Barney took his vitamins and stopped being such an all round bellend he might be able to get close to being as complete a hardass as this yellow lizard dude. He’s out there fighting those dirty pedo scum like an extinct lizard on a mission from a dead loveless God.
He just doesn’t give a fuck. Look at those shades he’s wearing, look at those jeans and that leather jacket. Attire like that takes years of badassness to accomplish. So beware Reginald Pedo Charming. Beware.
Stovies, in case you didn’t know you uncouth heathen scum, are a Scottish delicacy containing the rarefied ingredients of potato, onion, and left over meat. Then they’re stewed in beef dripping or lard or butter or the fat of a wandering Snorlax and then eaten. They taste better if you’re totally cunted on whiskey too.
And another thing you probably didn’t know, Dustin Hoffman fookin’ loves ‘em. He loves them so much he hopes to die and enter a paradise where there’s a never ending stovie for him to chow on for all eternity.
It was a time when eggs were stolen by the greed of pigs who had to be stopped. And there was only one man who could accomplish such a hard and complicated task. One man and his birds. Angry birds.
From the phenomenal iPhone app that helped millions kill time while waiting for their friends to show up for a beer, comes the film of the decade, directed by Michael “LOUDER!!” Bay. Launching into a cinema near you never.
So you’ve been out on a date, you both got on really well. She likes getting drunk and eating food at restaurants and, weirdly, so do you! You must be the only two people in the world who do. So it must be special, plus she likes the Godfather Part 3 and you do too. Just like that couple on the adverts.
You leave the restaurant, you walk her home, she invites you up for a coffee and…you refuse. WTF!? If you refuse then you deserve to get what this guy gets. Waiting’s for losers and people born in the 1950s.
Selling the NHS aye. Nice one government, nice one. It’s not like people get ill any more is it, no, every known disease that man has every suffered from since the dawn of time has now been eradicated from the planet.
So, we don’t need a health system any more, let alone one that was free. Well done Mr. Secretary of State for Health, you’ve taken an outdated thing like helping people live and replaced it with something much more modern like watching them die.
